Rebuilding love after the storms of 2020

Falling in love seems to be something that happens naturally and with little effort, but staying in love can be a little harder. Once you have found the partner of your dreams, what happens along the way and how does a relationship progress through the years? With Valentines Day around the corner, we wanted to share some insights and tips to help you connect. 

This year more than any after COVID, I felt compelled to share some grounding and reconnection tips as many marriages endured extra pressure. Our referrals for marriage counselling is up 800%! Many areas of our lives were affected, but now it is time to realign, reinvest and revitalise your connection to launch into 2021.

Give each other space.  It is important to spend time away from your partner in order to have time for your own interests and goals. Spending too much time together can cause problems in a relationship and we saw this last year with COVID. If you spend every waking moment with your partner, then you may not appreciate the time that you have together as much and missing each other is healthy. Create some space and activity that you both can anticipate with excitement and look forward to. 

Spend time together. Although it is important to have some time away from your partner now and then, spending time together is also very important. Make sure that you set aside a little time each day to catch up, perhaps over your morning coffee, over dinner, or during an evening walk. Give each other your full attention – turn off the TV, remind the kids that you two also need each others attention sometimes and maintain eye contact. That way each of you will know that this space is important and valued. 

Appreciate each other. Love may fade in a relationship if one or both partners do not feel appreciated. Make sure that you tell your partner what you appreciate about him or her on a regular basis. Be specific and make sure that the things you mention are specific.

Establish a culture of trust. In order to ensure a lasting love, you need to be trustworthy and be able to trust your partner in return. Building trust requires you and your partner to be vulnerable with each other, keep promises, and keep the lines of communication open. Each time that you trust your partner to take care of something for you or to keep his or her word, you are providing a chance for your partner to follow through and earn more trust from you.

Share things with your partner. As your relationship progresses, you can build a deeper bond by sharing things with your partner that you haven’t yet told them. Tell your partner about your fears, hopes, and dreams for the future and ask about theirs as well.

View each other as a team. Loving couples refer to their partners as their “other half” for a reason: they work together. You should feel comfortable chasing your dreams and helping your partner realize his or her dreams. Working on projects together, like starting a garden or redecorating the house, teaches you to respect and trust each other while fostering a loving attitude. Listening is the skill that we prescribe most in couples counselling. 

Forgive your lover for their imperfections. No one is perfect, no even you but people often forget this about the ones they love, especially when they are angry or feeling low themselves. Your partner is going to make mistakes and hurt your feelings sometimes. While it may be difficult to forgive them, it is something that you need to learn how to do in order to maintain a loving relationship. We use our ability to be compassionate to forgive. To avoid developing animosity in your relationship, accept that your partner is not perfect and forgive them when they are wrong. Keep a list of the things that you value about them to remind you when things get challenging. Wake up and choose them everyday.

Plan something special together. Even if you can’t afford a vacation right now, sitting down for a few hours and discussing some fun space will help you to reconnect. Do you know that there is more endorphins (feel good hormones) released when you plan a vacation as there is when you take the vacation? 

It will also provide you both with something to look forward to and daydream about. If you get to take the vacation someday, it will be extra special because of all of the time you spent planning it together. It is a reward system, a motivator to get through the tough days. If you never get a chance to take the vacation together, you will still have many happy memories of planning the vacation and discussing the desire to be together. 

Create rituals Having shared rituals and traditions is a great way to strengthen the bond between you and your partner. Brainstorm with your partner to create some traditions that are important to you and it will also strengthen your bond. You can look forward to these traditions and create new ones as your relationship continues to progress.  

Create moments together and capture them. Make a conscious effort to do things together. Even if your schedules are tight, make sure that you set aside some time to spend together every week. You can cook a meal together, go shopping together, or watch a movie. Think beyond just date nights to make it a regular connection point and don’t forget to take some happy snaps. 

Spice up your life in the bedroom. Things can become boring between couples that have been together for a long time, but you can always do things to spice up your sex life. If you are willing to try something new, you can reinvigorate your sex life and breathe passion into the relationship. Don’t wait until you feel great about your body or when the mood is perfect – you will end up waiting forever. 

Go out of your way for your partner It is too easy to take someone for granted when you’ve been with them for years, but you need to take the time to acknowledge how much your partner matters to you.  Bring flowers home from work, bake a cake just because, or buy those new shoes your lover has been eyeing. Showing that you think about your partner even when you are not together is a fantastic way to keep your love alive. Remember that you cannot buy someone’s love. Any gifts you buy should be thoughtful, not just expensive. Take the time to consider what your partner likes – not what you would like to receive.

Above all else, be kind and have some compassion for the daily challenges that you and your partner face. It is not a competition about who has it tougher. As needed articulate your needs clearly and offer solutions to find a way forward for the team. There once was a magical space between you – believe that this is always there and protect it with unrelenting vigour.  

If you have found that things have been difficult, we are here to support you back to alignment. The Mindful Centre offers individual, group and couples counselling to build the skills needed to get back on track. Call our reception team today for further information.