What to do when your child wont go to school - 5 tips to help overcome school refusal

With the start of a new school year, one topic comes up quite frequently: school refusal. Early studies have actually shown that after the COVID pandemic, when it came time to return to school, the rates of school refusal increased significantly, than compared to pre-pandemic times. 

Unlike what we thought in the past, school refusal is not truancy or “skipping school”, but a serious concern that stems from an inability to go to school, rather than not wanting to go. While it is not something that has a criteria for diagnosis, school refusal often accompanies other anxiety and/or mood related disorders that may be present.

School refusal can show up in many ways, including: 

  • high distress levels when required to go to school

  • tantrums 

  • feeling sick or having unexplainable aches and pains in their body, especially before going to school

  • having certain days of the week that are unbearable to attend school

  • poor peer relationships

  • difficulties with teaching staff

It is important to know that school refusal manifests differently for different children and may be caused by a number of reasons. These can be conflict with peers, conflict with teachers, undiagnosed learning difficulties, social anxiety, body image concerns, bullying or difficulty navigating social situations.

Here are 5 tips that may help if you are worried that your child is refusing to go to school:

1. Be as upfront but kind as possible in asking direct questions regarding their school refusal. For example:

                - “I have noticed you seem more upset in the mornings that you need to go to school, have you noticed this too?”

                - “ How are things with your friends going?”

                - “Are you struggling to understand your school work?”

Naturally, children are afraid of getting in trouble, so approaching your child with curiosity will help them understand that home is a safe space to discuss their emotions and worries.

2. Establish a calm morning routine by packing bags  and having lunchboxes prepared the day before, having a plan for breakfast and allowing enough time to get ready before having to leave for school.

3. Have consistency in the Monday - Friday routine. The more consistent the routine is, the more predictable it becomes for your child, which in turn can reduce symptoms of anxiety. 

4. Engage the school early to discuss your concerns, as they can help in creating a plan to ensure the transition from the front gate and to the classroom is as smooth as possible.

5. Consider reaching out to a mental health professional to learn strategies in managing both your own anxiety, your child’s anxiety and establishing fair but firm boundaries at home.

Lastly, it is important that you engage in self-care and reach out for support yourself as required. Regulating emotions on the fly can be challenging at the best of times, but when you have an overwhelmed and distressed child, it becomes extremely difficult. Take deep breaths and use relaxation/stress management strategies that work best for you because by knowing your limits and using your strategies, you not only regulate your own emotions but also model good self-care practices for your child.

Prepared by Senior Psychologist Rucha Lele

Cristy Houghton